The term subjective crops up a lot in writing. Deciding how you define success not only means different things to different people but, as I am starting to discover, it is also at liberty to shift and change throughout one’s journey.
My initial intention was to complete and publish a book. It was a desire formed in childhood that had become misplaced throughout my adult years.
So, I wrote a children’s book. With so many years in early years education it seemed to be the logical direction to take. I recognize now that it was the easiest for me and in some ways a bit of a cop out.
A couple of FYI’s regarding children’s books. The majority of publishers want author/illustrators which immediately placed me at a disadvantage and non-chapter books are the least sought after. But I persevered, nonetheless.
If you have read any of my other blogs you’ll know that patience is a virtue I very much lack. I charged headfirst into what seemed to be the first decent offer for publishing only to screw myself over in spectacular fashion. I knew nothing. Instead of taking the time to research, I ended up stuck in a contract with a vanity publishing company that is charging me a small fortune to produce a twelve-page book.
I’m not sure why I felt I had to validate myself by producing something print worthy before even attempting to draft my first manuscript, but I did. And I continued in this mindset until a pretty horrendous medical scare gave me a much-needed kick in the butt and convinced me to stop constructing my own obstacles and just go for it.
Success at that point was defined by my ability to finish a project. To create something tangible and read worthy, another highly subjective term I know. Upon completion my definition shifted to the desire for my work to be published.
At that time the process seemed painfully slow, with rejections becoming the norm. On reflection, the entire endeavor was actual extremely quick. I wrote the manuscript in four months. Spent two months editing/harassing people to read and critique it, then four months querying and awaiting responses. I received a contract ten months after starting the whole affair.
With edits complete, blurb written, and a cover design finalized I received my official release date. I had done it, goal achieved, success accomplished… right?
Except the fulfillment I had anticipated didn’t materialize.
I had published a book sure, but did one book make me an author? One of the louder voices in my head responded with a scornful no (yes, the voices are many).
The definition of success had again inched away from me. I needed a second published book to get even close to attaining my revised interpretation.
It wasn’t quite a revelation. I had intended on writing a sequel and I rationalized that maybe that was why I felt that way.
I wrote my sequel. Sent it to my amazing editor who suggested some restructuring of the timeline, which I did, and a contract for publication has just been signed (at the time of writing this at least).
But am I there yet?
I think we all know the answer to that one. Not even close.
I have three outlines for additional stories waiting to be written and right now I’m about two thirds of my way through a manuscript in a slightly different genre, because you know, who doesn’t like an additional challenge.
I am starting to accept that for me, that’s the way it will always be. I hope at some point the imposter syndrome falls away and I can be satisfied with reaching a level of success, but I also know that reaching that goal may be a double-edged sword leaving me nothing more to strive for.
On the positive side, I am constantly learning and hopefully improving. I’m excited for my future projects and although nervous for what may or may not transpire, I know each experience will be invaluable. The biggest accolade I have is the satisfaction that when I pushed myself, I completed what I set out to do. The fact that the goal posts keep moving is entirely my own doing and for now at least I’m okay with that.
I love and appreciate the feedback I have received so far, and the support has been phenomenal, especially when it comes from the least expected sources. But ultimately, I didn’t set out on this path for external validation, I set out to produce something I enjoyed and was proud of and that’s all that should matter regardless of your journey.
Your definition of success is highly personal, as it should be. Mold it around what truly matters to you and don’t be afraid if your ideals evolve over time. They’re supposed to. Just make sure you take the time to celebrate how fucking awesome you are along the way.